See Our Way Forward

At certain times in our lives it is difficult to see our way forward.

Finding the way of controlling the stories we tell ourselves and which ones we choose to believe can be daunting.

The place of our power, the process of our power is watching the thoughts that we think, the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves, understanding that even though we didn't put those stories there, we have the power to change them.

Telling new stories is the key to recovery - we can disrupt negative thoughts.  We never have to go back to that negative space once we have a framework for understanding where to go with our suffering, how to transform it into something useful.

When we face our fears or at least define our fears, we can come up with an action plan to combat them.

There is a wisdom that comes from the experience of working through our fears.

Wisdom is always the by-product of facing our fears.

“In the beginning I was so young and such a stranger to myself I hardly existed. I had to go out into the world and see it and hear it and react to it, before I knew at all who I was, what I was, what I wanted to be.”
― Mary Oliver, Upstream: Selected Essays


This sculpture by Kiochi Ishino and is called "In The Grey of Daybreak" - taken at Sculpture by the Sea, Bondi, Sydney, Australia in November 2019. 
The statement says "This sculpture depicts the dawning era of a new beginning in Japanese culture, the Reiwa era. 

Thoughts

Let us consistently choose the single goal of peace rather than multiple goals that lead to conflict.

Let us continue to practice forgiveness.

Let us look lovingly upon the present, for it holds only knowledge that is forever true.

Let us continue to be involved in a process of personal transformation in which we are only concerned about giving and not about getting.

Let us be the love and light the world so desperately needs.

"If you're waiting for the right time......time never comes, time only goes"
~~ Azereth Skivel

Sculpture at Rookwood Cemetery, Sydney - September 2014 by Peter Tilley - He called this sculpture "Hesitation"

Choosing My Thoughts

Being away from the blogging world while I was travelling the past 6 weeks gave me an opportunity to pick up and read several books.

I forgot how "delicious" books can be and how much I enjoyed devouring them!

I read about destiny and choosing our thoughts. Fascinating subjects.

Destiny is like a relationship - a play between divine grace and willful self-effort. Half of it we have no control over; half of it is absolutely in our hands and our actions will show measurable consequence.

We gallop through our lives like circus performers balancing on two speeding side-by-side horses - one foot is on the horse called "fate" and the other on the horse called "free will". And the question we have to ask every day is - which horse is which? Which horse do I need to stop worrying about because it's not under my control, and which do I need to steer with concentrated effort?

I feel there is so much about my fate I cannot control, but other things do fall under my jurisdiction. I can decide how to spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body, life, money and energy with. I can select what I eat, read and study.

I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life - whether I see them as curses or opportunities (and on the occasions when I can't rise to the most optimistic viewpoint, because I'm feeling too damn sorry for myself, I can choose to keep trying to change my outlook).

I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all I can choose my thoughts.

I am learning how to select my thoughts just the same way I select what clothes I'm gonna wear each day. Because if I can't learn to master my thinking, I will be in deep trouble!

So this is my mission and it will never end.

"All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking"
~~ Friedrich Nietzsche 1844-1900


Photo taken in Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin, August 2010. We got up early to see the sunrise and then the fog descended upon us. I am hoping my thoughts will not be devoured by fog.

Mixed Messages

Our emotional wellbeing depends to a great extent on how fairly and kindly other people treat us. (How we treat others affects their wellbeing just as directly.) But where does that leave us when we are unsure about what to expect of others or whether our demands are halfway reasonable?

A friend of mind related this story to me the other day. She feels overstretched and unappreciated......

Arriving home from work after a lengthy detour to the supermarket, she asks her eldest child for help bringing in the shopping from the car. He's 14 and is busy sending a text. He asks her to hang on a minute. AND SHE LOSES IT - explodes with frustration, disappointment and anger - not because of that delay, but because for her it typifies so many moments when she wants help and doesn't get it, or when her needs are obliterated by the people she loves most.

But what happens next? Son looks up from his text and is outraged that the harridan in front of him is shouting - about what? About him not "jumping to"? Is that what she's on about? Now it's his turn to be self-righteous. Does she see him as a lackey to jump to her every command and salute while doing so? He, too, feels devalued - and hopping mad.

It would be entirely possible to write a comedy series about domestic moments just like this - yet the living of them is rarely funny. Messages get mixed and family communication collapses. The truly important is not expressed and the unimportant becomes Wagnerian.

Misunderstandings may be inevitable, especially in families. Nevertheless, when they happen often or are badly handled, their effects will be serious and may be catastrophic. In this situation, for example, what happens when Dad or one of the other children comes home and each hurt person wants their sense of injury to be validated? "Taking sides" may make one person feel better, but it solves nothing.

In fortunate families, a sense of proportion will soon reassert itself. One person will apologise and explain their difficult day; the other person will acknowledge their overreaction. A quick hug, and life continues. But even then, it is worth taking time to consider consciously and honestly what we are expecting of other people and how reasonable or realistic these expectations really are.

After all, despite our desires for the contrary, no one can read our thoughts - including our unexpressed wishes and desires. So often our hurt or outrage is about what people have failed to do when they had no idea that was what we wanted.

My friend did ask for help, but her son could not have known - particularly in the midst of his own urgent texting - why her request was urgent and, more generally, how starved she was feeling of consideration and support.

Equally, when the son said to wait a minute, that was literally when he meant, but she heard, "Your needs can wait", and in the noise of her explosion he was hearing, "Only my agenda matters".

It is not easy to assess how realistic our expectations or responses are, but two things help me.

First, I take a mental step backwards to look at the situation coolly from the other person's point of view. If I find that difficult, it is even more worthwhile persisting - and checking out my findings.

Second, I look just as closely at what I have not expressed clearly - and what could not therefore have influenced the other person's response. I may be reluctant to be explicit, yet it is always preferable to acting out my disappointments - and living with the consequences!


This is the response I get from my cat Wilson when I go on the rampage and act like a total lunatic - he just sticks out his tongue and give me 'the look'!
April 2009