Want-Self verses Should-Self

Who/What is the stronger our Want-Self or our Should-Self?

How often do you find when decisions are being made, our want-selves take over and we do things that ignore the ethical implications of our actions.

Psychologists say we have different systems for wanting things and liking things. So some of the stuff we really want, and spend a lot of time pursuing, doesn't give us as much satisfaction as we thought it would once we've got it.

This explains why children will spend weeks nagging parents to buy them a guitar or a pet but quickly lose interest once they have it.

One of the most ubiquitous problems in daily life is achieving self-control.

We need to control our natural urges to eat too much, to smoke, to drink too much, to gamble too much, spend too much, watch too much television, get too little exercise and even to work too much.

Here, again, we seem to have two selves at work: an unconscious self that's emotional and shortsighted and a conscious self that's reasoning and farsighted.

We have trouble controlling ourselves in circumstances where the benefits are immediate and certain, whereas the costs are longer-term and uncertain.

When we come home tired from work, for instance, the benefits of slumping in front of the telly are immediate, whereas the costs - feeling tired the next day; looking back on our life and realising we could have done a lot better if we had got off our backside and played a bit of sport, sought a further qualification at tech, spent more time talking to our partner/children/friends etc - are not so clear-cut.

Similarly, the reward from eating food is instant whereas the costs of overeating are uncertain and far off: being regarded as physically unattractive, becoming obese, becoming a diabetic, dying younger, etc.

As everyone who has tried to diet, give up smoking, control their drinking, save or get on top of their credit card debt knows, it's hard to achieve the self-control our conscious, future-selves want us to achieve.

"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn."
~~ David Russell



Sculpture by the Sea, Bondi, Sydney, Nov 2011. The artist Peter Tilley called this "Domestic Bliss" and his statement said:
"Contemplating the next move in an ordinary domestic situation".

Making Up Our Own Minds

"Make up your mind" is a phrase that's rarely used without some undercurrent of frustration or impatience.

It is likely to be thrown at us when we can't seem to act decisively. Or when we can't choose instantly between competing possibilities. We might use it ourselves if we know what we want and someone else seems to be dithering.

It is a phrase that sends a strong message of criticism - as though instant decision-making were itself a virtue, regardless of the seriousness of the situation.

The chance to make up our own minds - and to know them - is one of the greatest gifts of human consciousness. In lives as privileged as most of ours are, "choice" has real meaning.

We can "make up our minds" about our most fundamental decisions - including our lifestyle, values, relationships, beliefs and goals.

We can't determine everything that happens to us, but we can decide what steps we will then take. We can think hard about our strengths and how we are using them. We can also take charge of what influences us......recognising this can be daunting. But I see it as liberating.

"Making up our own minds" means we are not letting circumstances, laziness or other people make up our minds or run our lives for us.

Self-responsibility triumphs here.

And it lets us set the compass for our future!

"Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen."
~~ Ralph Emerson


My friend Dianne made up her mind that cancer was not going to sap the life out of her. She is fighting it and winning! Photo of Dianne in her art studio Feb 2007.