Saturday, 3 January 2009

A Bit of Humour

I thought I would start 2009 with some humour, my favourite pastime!

Smile. Have you ever noticed how easily puppies make human friends? Yet all they do is wag their tails and fall over. ~Walter Anderson, The Confidence Course, 1997

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The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny.
When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

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"Bible Story"
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.
He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt".
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

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Senility Prayer
God, grant me the Senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.

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How is it that "Fat Chance" and "Slim Chance" mean the same thing?!?!

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HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him/her.
COURTESY: The art of yawning with your mouth closed.

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I Wish I Was A Bear...

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
Your husband expects you to growl when you wake up. He also expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat.
I wish I was a bear.

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Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52-years-old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

Sculpture by the Sea - Bondi - Nov 2006

3 comments:

McMGrad89 said...

Thanks for making me smile. The good computer won't let me in to remove the temp files. I will have to work off the wifi...slower than molasses, so I won't be doing much...which is not a bad thing. James & I are on our way to take a walk so I better find a Benedryl.

Meow said...

Great way to start the new year, Peggy.. Thanks for making me happy!!

Namaste,
Meow

avtcoach said...

These are so funny and my husband laughed too. He wanted me to email the link!! Hope you had a grand time on New Years. I can't remember if I told you but on New Years Eve I downloaded video of Sydney at new years 2008 and watched it with the people in my party. It was beautiful..just wanted to share the experience!